WORST RECORDS OF 2014 RECORD ROUNDUP

1. Joyce Manor - Never Hungover Again
This band is breathtakingly boring. What I mean is, they make me want to take my life by asphyxia. They belong to the progeny of bands whose stance is in staunch defiance of the status quo, as defenders of the weak, disenfranchised, and oft-overlooked members of the punk scene and the global community, but their sound is the auditory personification of the whiny white prick whose Ray-Ban glasses I'm going to smash. Assuming that the title references their collective forfeiture of their fruit-flavored, low-ABV malt beverage of choice, it is unfathomable that any sober ear may listen to these recordings with any sense of pride and self-assurance.

Like some old, out-of-touch blogger somewhere else on the internet said: "It’s the record that your sister’s favorite pop punk band might grow up to make." My sister liked Simple Plan. This sucks.

ROCK n ROLL RYAN's REAR-END RECORD ROUNDUP 2014

There are so very many great and fresh new punk bands, which made choosing just 10 records for the "best of 2014" was no easy task. Here is my humble attempt at ranking these modern rock contemporaries.

10. Urinals - Negative Capability
This is a great record. My only complaint is
that, with 2 solid slabs of wax, this one drags a bit. If you don't mind digging, though, you'll find some solid pop tunes on here. This bad boy clocked in at #10 because I already wrote the first two sentences before I realized it was released in 2013.

9. La Peste - Better Off Dead
In 30+ years we've accrued more Ramones imitators than anyone ever asked for, but these guys kick the classic sound up a notch with a little tough guy attitude. Definitely big fans of the Spits.








8. Pagans - What's This Shit?
What's this shit? Only some of the rawest garage punk of the millennium. A+

7. Die Kreuzen - Cows And Beer
This is a real ripper. Appropriately titled- music this raucous, loud, and angry is clearly the product of some acute teenage ennui typical of the midwest.

6. The Shivvers - S/T
 In 2013 girls won punk, and in 2014, they rebuilt it in their glorious image. This record is balls-to-the-walls, girls-to-the-front, rock-to-the-roll. Words aren't enough!!

5. Electric Eels - Jaguar Ride
Somewhere in the furor of the shit-fi junk punk releases of late, lost in a sea of scuzz, this record lie afloat like a much needed life-raft. These guys have so much more substance than any lo-fi band of the 2000s. Can't wait to hear more from these guys.

2. Circle Jerks - Wild In The Streets
If you're anything like me, sometimes you just need to scream. That's what this record is- one big "SCREAM". Even with the knobs turned down low, these guys jump right out of the speakers for a full-on assault of your eardrums.


1. Oasis - Definitely Maybe
Listen to Wonderwall and tell me you don't feel a bead of cloudy white cum welling on your rigid, unyielding member, you sick fucking freak.